Archives for category: nourishment

I stood on an accurate scale and despaired at its arbitrary number.  Then whined to God: why can’t I lose weight?

His answer: trust your body.

As usual, for Him, anchoring words.


I am short, chunky, very middle-aged with a buzz cut and old lady glasses.

Not your average bikini contestant.

When I say that I believe that God wanted me to join a bikini contest…well, you will add “crazy!”

And it was a little crazy.  I kinda obsessed over the whole thing.  I am not a fan of body image contests in general and was really not enthusiastic about displaying my own.

Once I secured entry into the contest, I thought–best diet ever?!?

But God pointed out that desperately altering my body image for a contest I was not sold on was defeating the purpose.

So, no diet.  He was aiming for a display of my inner beauty. Typical of Him.

I worried about my motif–my theme, if you will.  If you join a bikini contest to display inner beauty, what does that look like?

I started by realizing that the people I would have invited to a bikini contest would all be memorable for their personality–Harriet Tubman, Einstein, Father Brown, some ladies from my water aerobics class..skinny dude sporting a speedo on his SUP with his retriever…Leslie Jones…

Oldies, fatties, and oddballs would all be welcomed–because I am all three.

I had several themes I adopted to anchor me in all of this.  “My bikini contest” was a theme, and that was the chrysalis for a second theme–

Be memorable.

We spend so much of our lives worrying about the size of our asses.  What does the world look like when we worry instead about the shape of our immortal selves?

We don’t talk about our immortality that much. What if we did?  What if we obsessed about who we will be?

i tell them it is a Lenten fast

(Not a broken heart)

Then eat furtive bits of things

Stale cookie crumbs, scavenged pecans, half-eaten


I miss peanut butter sandwiches


The feeling of sitting down to a

Proper meal

Love this feast

Set a proper table 

Glimpse the King

Returned whole 

To find his furtive 


combat boots hidden beneath

A garage sale dress

All things made new 

What does it mean to you?

Do you know abundance?

Do you give freely?

What does it mean to abound?

What and who can you not live without?

These are the questions posted at the doorway of heaven.

I don’t watch the show, but the controversy caught my eye.

Is the latest winner too thin? And is the risk of anorexia an inherent pitfall in a show where you have to lose weight to win?

But I don’t think either of these questions is the real bottom line.

The real questions of success in life are not based on our weight–plus or minus a few BMI points.

The real question is strength. Are we strong? Are we sheltering others?

Are we shedding light?

A cursory walk through history will tell you that for thousands of years a little fat on our bones was essential for survival.

So make no mistake–our cultural obsession with thin is arbitrary and often deadly.

Fortitude, however, the strength of mind and heart, is a dying art.

I have been a comfort eater for years.

I have dieted over the years, exercised religiously, and I have practiced long and short-term fasts for years.

I wanted to get to a point of emotional freedom with food and I think I have finally rounded a corner.

I recently realized that TED has its own Roku channel now and we have been enjoying the freedom of lots of TED talks.

One was on mindful eating, a concept I had heard but not really explored. The speaker explained not only mindful eating but the way I was eating in a way that just clicked.

I love mindful eating! For years and years and years I thought I had to use self-discipline to tame my food issues.

This feels like the opposite of that. It is a joyful process with no limits on what I can eat, only on how.

I love mindful eating, and because I genuinely enjoy it, I am pretty sure I am going to stick with it.

If you have any kind of food dependencies you may want to check
it out..

In the last few years I have not always been good at keeping friends. One of the friends I have lost was like a sister to me.

We parted ways over Just. She did not like it and I could not apologize for it.

When I think of thanksgiving I think of this friend. She and I talked about my practice of writing down blessings when times got tough.

She did it as well, but joked that whenever she got to that point she would groan inwardly–oh, no, I am at this low point?! I have to write my blessings?

I miss her, just as I miss family, former church family, mentors, and an optimist’s belief in human goodness.

I also miss old Thanksgiving Day.

I miss shops being closed.

I miss knowing people were celebrating together.

Thanksgiving has been a thinly veiled consumerist eve for years, but now even the veil is gone.

And the truth is probably better. Stuff is our god in this capitalist monster we have created.

If we ever did find the Real Giver of all things we would be safe–joyful in praise to our Maker instead of slaves to the stuff someone in sweatshop has made.